God.
I don’t even know where or how to begin…
There are absolutely no words or gestures that can explain or sum up what I am feeling…what I have been feeling for the past few days.
I am.
Broken.
As an almost-psych major I know that there are 5 stages a person goes through when suffering a loss.
I am drowning. Stuck in denial, filled with anger and depression keeps making an unwanted cameo.
I go to bed every night, praying, hoping with all my might that I will wake up to nothing but a long nightmare. I am still so confused with all the headlines… Words on paper. Is HE really gone?
Then. I get so angry with the world. With the media. With people. People are ugly. Two-faced and greedy. You damn radio stations that are playing Michael Medlys all day long are the same fuckers that made his nose, his skin color, the retarded trials your dumbfucking topic of the morning. The same people who called in and ‘stated’ they would never leave their child alone with Michael are now the people who are calling in to tell the world how good their 5yr old son moonwalks.
TV. Entertainment, Inside Edition…whatever… You assholes that have “MJ Tributes” playing all night long are the same assholes that deemed him ‘Wacko Jacko’. You are the same people that put him on blast when he was at his worst, his ‘weirdest’. You basqued in his controversy, his eccentricity and never stopped making a juicy headline out of it. You enjoyed watching Martin Bashir dick him over.
YOU have no right to tell me not to be sad and celebrate his life. I have been. I’ve been celebrating everything about him for over a decade…others even longer.
Why now? Where the fuck was everybody when he needed this praise and support the most? Why does it take such a drastic loss for people to just… stop. And then all this fuss about prescription drugs and medication. Painkillers? Please. Demerol didn’t kill him. People did. The same people that are turning him into this druggie are the ones that caused him the pain to begin with. Tell me, how would you have handled your life if you were Michael Jackson? Please, humor me.
People are ugly.
I know I am.
We are. So selfish.
I do not want to live in a world without Michael Jackson. He was. He is, my Super Human. The definition of Super Human. My Immortal.
Michael.
Sad barely touches the weight that I feel…
Smiling seems unnatural lately.
I know I’ll be ok.
I just don’t know if I want to be I guess.
What I do know… To remember You everyday, I promise to become and be better than my ugliest, my worst. I will dedicate my life to making this world a better place.
God… I was so close… so, so close. Now, just forever far…
I adore you. Always.
ANIKA
